Apr 29

“Rikki Please Lose My Number”

About two weeks ago when I was standing in the subway waiting for my homeward bound train, my cell phone rang.  As I always do, I looked at the caller ID and when I did I saw a number I didn’t recognize.  I usually don’t pick up calls from numbers I don’t know but I was bored standing there staring at the tracks just waiting for the train, so I answered it.  When I did, I heard a male voice say hello.  At that point I had no idea who this person was.  He then asked me how my graduation had been.  That threw me a bit since my graduation from college had been well over a year ago.  I proceeded to tell him that fact and then something about his voice started to ring a bell.  I said, “Do you work for WGBH?”  He responded, yes he did.  Then I knew who he was.  This was a man I had talked to in March or April of 2011.  For some reason, we never met, but after a year, who could remember exactly why.


That started me thinking, why do people you’ve talked to on dating sites feel that its ok to show up a year or two years later, pick up exactly where the conversation left off and expect to continue on as if we had spoken yesterday?  This happens to me quite often.  It’s really kinda freaky and all my friends laugh when I say, “guess who I heard from”, since they know when I start off the sentence with that phrase it’s probably going to be someone from the far distant past.  And they are usually right, it is someone I may have had a conversation with or in some cases even met who disappeared and then “pop up” like we had been talking continually since our first encounter.  I find this to be a real weird online dating dynamic that happens quite often.


They show up usually with no plausible reason for not calling.  They expect that I as the lucky recipient of there calling largess should be open to just moving forward.  They usually want to meet immediately and as they say, “see where this thing goes.”

I want to know, “who are you people” who think this is an ok behavior?  Did you just breakup with someone and you started going through your phone to see whom you might “tap?”  Am I supposed to be happy to hear from you because obviously you were really in to me since it took you a year me back?  Well I have something for you.


To paraphrase an old Steely Dan song (read and be warned all of you with this type of bad behavior),


“Rikki please lose my number,

You don’t want to call me anymore,

Send it off in a letter to yourself

Rikki please lose my number

It may be the only one you own

You may not use it if you feel lonely

 Or even if you’re all alone.

You’ve told yourself you’re not my kind

Cause you don’t even know your own mind

And now you’ve had a change of heart.

So to all those guys out there, who still have my number somewhere in the archives of your dating life, do me a favor.  Hit delete and please lose my f’ing number!

Mar 03

“I’m Just A Squirrel Looking For A Nut”

The Internet dating sites are blowing up! Oops!! It must be the scent of Spring in the air. Granted this has not been a normal winter, but when guys looking for their Spring/Summer love start trying to contact you in February you know that Global Warming is not a myth. Hold your horses guys, we still have to get through March.

So if I don’t respond it’s because I’m still not ready to admit that Spring is in the air.

I'm Just A Squirrel Looking for A Nut!

Feb 13

Happy Valentine’s Day – Now When Am I Going To Get Lucky!

I know tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I suppose I should be writing some inspirational blog about hearts and flowers and love forever, but if you’ve read any of my other blogs you can probably figure out it just isn’t going to happen that way.


Ladies, Ladies, Ladies, what is up with you?  Yesterday, I was watching the movie, “He’s Just Not That In To You” and I think it should be required viewing once a month for every woman of dating age.  Let me tell you why I think so.


A friend of mine met a guy online.  He was a little older than her, retired firefighter pursuing a career in acting.  Now before I go on, she has already admitted that she is very naïve when it comes to dating an eligible male (since most of the guys she has dated have been less than eligible – if you get my point). 


So anyway, she meets this guy, they seem to hit it off everything is going along fairly well until maybe the 3rd date.  He decides to take her to the same restaurant he used to go to with his Ex (who he dated for 7 years and almost married).  So they get to the restaurant and all of a sudden he goes into a funk.  Not surprising, I’ve been there and I know one thing, don’t be going to any places that might bring back warm thoughts or feelings about an Ex especially if you are out with someone new.  Problem number two, its Saturday night and the restaurant is kind of noisy.  So my friend, because she really wants to talk to her date, has to talk louder to make herself heard over all the diners.  So Mr. Ex-firefighter/wanna-be actor says he thinks she’s talking to loud.  What’s up with that, are you her parent?  Maybe you should have said, “could you use your indoor voice”.  I mean really, who the hell you are!


Problem number two – he invites her to a private Superbowl party.  She says it’s a date.  That’s not the problem, it’s who else he invited that’s the problem.  He decided after inviting my friend to also invite his acting partner (who is a woman) to the same party.  I don’t know about you, but this sounds more like a hangout rather than a date. 


So by now you probably asking yourself, what is my friend doing about this.  Well she’s saying things like, “he’s really been hurt because he’s a giver and so many woman have taken advantage of him.”  And also, “he’s a really is a sweet guy.”  


On Tuesday, the day after the Superbowl party he calls my friend and tells her that he thought he was ok to date but he really thinks that maybe he isn’t.  But he wants her to keep on dating other people because he doesn’t want to hold her up from finding someone. And he says, maybe he needs to take time to figure out what it is he needs.


Now that doesn’t sound too bad, but I know something she doesn’t.  I’m a pretty good detective and all I need is a few pertinent facts to find someone on a dating site.  She told me enough so I was able to find his profile.  On this particular site you can see the last time the person was online (you see where this is heading).  And low and behold, he’s been online on that site almost every day.  So that stuff about taking time to figure out what he needs was a bunch of bullsh*t (at least in my estimation)!


So what is he really telling her?  He’s telling her that he needs time, but he needs time to find out who else is out there, because evidently she isn’t the one.  He’s got baggage, but not enough baggage to keep him off a dating site.  So you’re not over your Ex or whatever, get the hell off of dating sites!  All someone like him is doing is screwing with a very nice but naïve woman who is only looking for someone to love.  You (Mr. and even Ms. Dater) are not ready, you need to disable your profile, see a shrink and get your act together before you mess with anyone’s feelings.


Ladies, we need to get better at reading the signs and stop reading into his words what we would like him to be saying.  We ladies have the propensity to make a rose bush out of a pile of crap if you let us.  We need to stop this and believe that when a guy says something that is exactly what he means.  If he tells us to date other people, then it means we should date other people because he doesn’t see a future with us.   When he invites another woman to an event as his co-date we need to know that we are now into the “friend zone” not the “you is my woman zone.”


You may be saying, well  what if we are being intimate, that must mean something?  Yeah it means something, it means good for him and bad for you.  Sure he’ll keep you around in order to get a little some-in, some-in until the next best thing comes along.  After all I never said he was stupid I just intimated he was f’ed up.    


So as you celebrate Valentine’s Day, think about the things I’ve said.  If you’re with one of the type of guys I’ve profiled in this blog, maybe Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean what you think it means.  It may mean hearts and flowers and love and romance to you, but for him it may mean, Happy Valentine’s Day – now when am I going to get lucky?


Jan 28

“Hookers and Hustlers – The Real World of Love and Hip Hop”

Have any of you heard of the reality show “ Love and Hip Hop”?  When it first came on VH1 I thought to myself, “Love and Hip Hop what a crappy title for a show.”  But like most guilty pleasures, before I knew it I was hooked on watching the characters purported to represent the world of hip-hop and the relationships that occur in that world.  You know the stock characters that are in these shows; the angry black women, the smooth talking strong black women, the mother figures, and the video vixen.


However all the women (except for one) is tied to a male hip-hop artist in some way or another.  Take the character Chrissie for instance.  She is tied to the hip-hop artist Jim Jones.  During most of this season’s installments, she’s been disappointed and disillusioned because Jim just won’t make her his wife after 7 long years together.  And because of this, she finds a way to inflict her disappointment on everyone (and I mean everyone) except the person who should be feeling her wrath, and that is Mr. Jim Jones.


Chrissie is one of the few female characters that doesn’t have children by either the hip-hop artist she is with or some other hip-hop artist.  I call the children of these relationships (and I use that term relationship very broadly) little “cash registers.”  The women getting pregnant by these guys aren’t teenagers so we have to believe they know something about birth control.  But because they know the lifestyle is rife with cheating and disrespect they figure that if he (the artist) is going to do it (cheat and disrespect them), then dammit I’m going to make sure that while they are doing it they are going to pay.  So cha-ching, cha-ching, that’s where their little cash registers (oops I mean children) come into play.


Kimbella another character on the show has just proven to everyone how this works.  She has one child by Juelz Santana (a hip hop artist) who is her “man”.   During this season, Juelz gets arrested and his ass was thrown into jail.   So when he gets out, what does Kimbella decided to do, yup you got it, she gets pregnant by him again.  Meanwhile she’s crying to her girlfriends about how the relationship isn’t where she would like it to be.  So dumb ass, you get pregnant again????


But maybe she isn’t as dumb as she appears.  If he decides to leave or she decides to leave, guess whose going to be paying for those two kids.  You got it, Mr. Julez himself.  After all two child support payments are better than one.  Oh and there’s that thing about the children being able to live in the style in which they have become accustom.  So that means, Ms. Kimbella and children won’t be going back to the projects any time soon.


But the best was when Chrissie gave Emily Bustamante advice about her relationship with Fabolous (or as Emily refers to him “Fab”).  Emily has been with Fab, has kids by Fab and according to Emily; Fab has been less than faithful (and I think I’m being kind here when I say less than) during the years they have been together.


So Emily came to Chrissie to talk about her problems with Fab.  And the advice that Chrissie gave her made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.  I paraphrase, but it went something like this.  Chrissie says, “you’ve got to realize that in this lifestyle (the hip hop lifestyle) things are going to happen.  Our men are out there and there are things that happen when they are on the road.  You just have to accept that as long as they don’t throw it up in your face (even though you know its going on) you just have to accept that is what the lifestyle brings.  As long as they don’t disrespect you, you just have to look the other way.”


That advice made me wonder.  What does Chrissie think disrespecting someone looks like?  Taking another woman back to your hotel room after a gig is not disrespecting the person you are with?  The fact that everyone knows that the person is cheating on you, is that disrespecting you?  When you go out with “your man” and you look around the room and try to figure how many people he has slept with while he’s been in a so-called relationship with you; that’s not disrespecting you?


Giving women this kind of advice in order to live in a certain affluent lifestyle is so wrong on so many levels.  Young impressionable women watch this program and you are telling them to take any crap that is handed to them by a guy as long as the card he pays for dinner with is Black.


There aren’t enough Louboutin shoes, Chanel or Burkin bags in the world that make this kind of advice “good advice”.  It may seem sweet at first, but over time it will become sour, as sour as you will become living this way.


So if you’re going to make a reality show about the hip-hop world, how about making it real.  Call people by the correct characterizations.  You have the hookers and the hustlers.  So change the name of the program to, “Hookers and Hustlers – The Real World of Love and Hip Hop.”





Jan 03

Does Absence Really Make the Heart Grow Fonder?

There’s an old adage that says,

“absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

But is that really true?

It makes me continue to ponder.


Not sure from past experiences I’ve had

that this old adage is true or just bad.

If you try it remember this,

while away, your lover may find other bliss.


No always true, but a tactic I would not take

to test to see if my lover is fake.

Rather it makes more sense to believe

before you pick up all your marbles and take your leave.


For the old adage should be changed

To state the facts as they remain.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder,

But you can be sure it is for someone out yonder.



The Dating Maven – January, 2012





Dec 29

Your Holiday Gift Can Say It All!

I figured I better write this blog before the holidays have completely disappeared.  Over Christmas I was thinking about the gifts that I have given to others and what those gifts say about my relationship with them.  It’s not the amount of time you take picking it out because sometimes the first thing I see turns out to fit the receiver to a tee.  But this blog is about the darker side of gift giving and what that means.


You know how I knew my marriage was over?  It was the Christmas that I gave my husband (now ex) one of those basketball hoops that are made to sit on a desk.  I remember walking into Macy’s and there was a table in the men’s department that had a lot of cheap (insert junky) gifts on it.  I walked over and there among the “stuff” was this box with a picture of the basketball hoop on the outside.  My thought “well he did like basketball and it would only set me back $7.99.”


Now in order to put this in perspective you have to understand that when things were good between us, I would probably spend at a minimum $300 on his presents (and that was during a bad financial year).  I would go to stores like Neiman Marcus, Bloomingdales or Brooks Brothers to find the perfect gifts for him.   Never spared expense to get him something he would really love.


So was spending  $7.99 on a gift for him sending a clear message and what was that message?  Well the message was the value of our relationship has been de-valued to $7.99.  I will no longer spend my time or energy trying to find a gift that will make you happy because your happiness has become least of my worries.  I want you to clearly understand that this is the last gift you will get from me.


So now I want you to think about the gifts you have given to others and what they may say about your relationship with them.


This has become a cautionary tale for me.  It has made me stop and ask myself each time I buy someone a gift “does this gift relay the message I am trying to convey?”  And it isn’t always the cost of the gift that conveys your relationship status with that person.  It’s about how well it suits them and what kind of joy they will experience when they receive that gift.  That’s when you know you really care about them when you think about these kinds of things.


But if you really don’t want to send a message of “caring” and you’re ready to end the relationship, I know were you can buy a cute little basketball hoop that can sit on the person’s desk.  Oh and the little basketball is included!  Hey it’s a score for just $7.99.


Dec 04

“Fried, Dyed and Laid To the Side” – Men’s Obsession With Women’s Hair

As a woman of African-American decent I feel I’m more than qualified to talk about hair obsession.  For as long as I can remember I have been performing some type of ritual on my hair and for all you people that think you are on the cutting edge of hair fabulousity because you have extensions, hate to inform you, but I had hair extensions back in 1997.  If there was a new way to have bigger, longer, thicker hair, I found it.


Today because I’m wiser and older (and let me add lazier) I have fairly short hair.  It’s the kind of hair that I can wash, brush and carry on my day.  No more nights of rollers and hours of sitting in the beautician’s chair while I have extensions sewn into my tightly braided hair.  Nope not for me!  What I do now is I buy the look I want, plunk it on my head and I’m good to go.  Then I can go back to my wash and wear look anytime I want.  Yes dear readers and others that may not know, I often wear wigs to have that hair that men just love to touch.


And what I’ve found is, the way that men treat me with and without the wig differs greatly.  When I’m wearing my everyday look, they are less likely to approach me or engage me in conversation.  As and example, yesterday I was in a grocery store that I normally go to a couple of times a week, however this time I was wearing a wig.  The guy bagging my groceries couldn’t do enough to make me happy.  He kept asking me things like “can I put your chicken in a separate bag “, or “can I offer you these coupons.”  Usually when I’m in the store (looking the way I normally look) I’m lucky if I’m given a cursory look, let alone some little extra service.


So it got me thinking, could it be that men don’t care where you got the hair from as long as it’s thick, long and luxurious?  If that’s the case then women who are wearing hair that once belonged to someone else really don’t have to be concerned if for someone reason an extension may come loose while she is with her man.  Or that she may have to explain why she has to fore go that romp in the pool or hot tub.

It’s like the poor woman that got lost in Aruba recently, all her friends said that they knew she didn’t drown because there is no way that she would have gone snorkeling with $2,000 worth of extensions in her hair.  That’s how powerful this hair obsession is.


However, men I caution you today, be very careful when you touch a women’s hair.  You never know, what you might find, so the best course of action is to avoid it if at all possible.  We are wearing it because we want to get you to want to touch it, but that’s as far as it goes.  Because no matter what, whether, bought or borrowed, our hair is our crowning glory.


And guys as hard as this is to swallow, we’re not just doing it for you.  But you can look and admire as much as you would like, JUST DON’T TOUCH.


Nov 11

Two-Faced Book

A while ago I wrote a blog called “Friending the Godfather” where I talked about my experience with a friend that I knew eons ago who tried to start emotional affair with me (thanks to Facebook).  As I related in the blog, it quickly went from “I’ve always had feelings for you” to “let’s have phone sex.”   Recently an acquaintance of mine found he was in the same sort of situation.  Which started me thinking, “are we so unhappy in our love lives and lives in general we will grab onto any chance of happiness no matter how remote?”  And has Facebook become the conduit for us to grab at that “last straw” of happiness?  And as I’ve said many times, if it hasn’t happened already, I fully expect that Facebook will become a co-respondent in many divorces.


Now the real questions are, has Facebook allowed us to become more adulterous than we were before?  After listening to my acquaintance’s story, I think there is only one answer to that question. YES.   He related the story (which was very similar to mine) that he had reconnected with a woman from high school that he had once dated (by the way, he’s married).  After a few Facebook messages they were talking on the phone.  It just so happened that she was coming from her home in California to Massachusetts with her husband (oh yes she was married too) for a vacation on Cape Cod.  So my acquaintance he (let’s call him Rob), said he had to come down to the Cape so why didn’t they meet for lunch.  And then he told me, “and when we met again, I knew that even after 30 years, she was my soul mate.”  Whoa buddy, “I thought your wife was your soul mate?”  Well obviously I am delusional, because Rob went on to inform me of all the wonderful traits of his long lost love.


So if I’m to understand correctly, if Facebook didn’t exist, Rob would have continued on with his marriage to his un-soul mate?  Of course he would have, because what Facebook has given him is a chance to re-live a part of his youth that probably should stay buried (considering he not only has a wife but two children as well).


Facebook with all its many positive traits has allowed us to cater to our baser instincts like, let’s say Cheating.  What Rob doesn’t understand is, “there is no there, there”.  It is strictly the smoke and mirrors of a time long since passed.  When I checked out his “other” Facebook page (oh he has two, one for work and one for cheating) what was the profile picture on the page – you guessed it, a picture of him, his wife and kids frolicking on the beach.  And as I scroll down the list of friends, there was the other woman, Linda Y.  Now that takes balls or a Machiavellian instinct!


But the mere premise of Facebook has allowed us to have two faces; one for the little woman and one for the woman next in line.  Good luck Mrs. Y.  You’re going to need it.  And oh by the way, give my best to Mr.; hopefully he has a Facebook page too.



Sep 23

The Loveable Equation

Have you ever wondered why sometimes it’s so hard to be loved?  What makes one person lovable and another person not?  Most people don’t want to deal with these questions because it means they have to look deep into their psyche for what might be some very difficult soul searching.  But sometimes this deep introspection is exactly what you need to understand what part you play in the “lovable” equation.  Now you would think, as I often have, that being a nice, honest, caring person would make you a lovable person.  But in my experience, those attributes don’t really make someone love you. 


So what does? 


After looking deep into my own soul, I’ve found the following might be the most successful equation for making you lovable to someone else.


Honesty + Self Worth + Empathy = The Ability to Be Loved By Another

Your Ability to Love Another


So why did I chose honesty, self-worth, empathy and the ability to love another as the foundation of the equation? 


Honesty – without the ability to be honest with others about who you are, what you want and what you have to give – there is no basis for the other person to know if you are loveable or not.  If you start out with dishonesty about any of these things, you cannot be truly loved by another because they will have no idea who you “really” are.


Self-Worth – Well if you don’t think you are deserving of love, then you sure as hell won’t be getting any.  People find others attractive and are drawn to them, when that person shows that they know their own self-worth.  If you are willing to compromise your values for another, just to be with them, then you probably don’t have the best self-worth.  People who know their “bottom-line” values and stick to them know their worth.  And even though this might seem a bit strident in execution, think about it, would you want to be with someone who you sold your soul for?  Maybe in the beginning but I will bet you, that going forward it would wear on you and the relationship.


EmpathyAahh, empathy, something we all think we have but so few of us truly understand its power.  The ability to be empathetic to another is so important if you want to be loved by them.  They want to know you can understand them and what they are going through, not just as it pertains to you, but as it pertains to them.  Looking at the situation from that person’s perspective and trying to understand where they are “at” right at that moment is more powerful than any drug on earth. 


And as the base of the equation, there must be Your Ability to Love Another.  If you cannot love, you cannot receive love.  It’s as simple as that.  So now you need to ask yourself, do I have the tools, desire and need to love another human being?  If you have all three then you are someone who can love in a profound way.


And if your equation contains all these, Honesty, Self-Worth, Empathy and Your Ability to Love Another then it will all equal out to your Ability to Be Loved By Another.


It’s as simple and as complicated as that. 


Today I wrote this blog just for me.  It was created out of my need to get clarity on some of the things I have been feeling about “loveableness”.  I hope that as each of you read it, you will find something in it that makes you stop and think about your own feelings on this subject and if I’ve shed any light on the subject I hope you will take those rays of light and make them part of your own loveable self.



Sep 02

“Playa, Play On”

Let’s face it anyone who is out in or has been out in the dating world has run into a “playa” at some point in time.  Whether that playa be a woman or a man (yes they do come in both flavors), I’m sure we could name at least one or two that have come our way. 


But there is something very interesting when we refer to a playa of a certain gender.  Being a playa as a man seems to be thought of as a badge of achievement.  It’s the man that gets what he wants when he wants it and doesn’t worry about how that might impact his conquest.  It’s a term of machismo in the male world where it is often revered by the playa’s friends and associates.  It’s almost expected by other males that if you are a man, you are one.  And if for some reason you don’t live up to “playa’s code of conduct” as a man, you will often find yourself ostracized, out of the group and never asked to be a wingman again. 


Being a female playa is thought of as being synonymous, slut, whore, skank, female douche, and the big one, “a gold digger.”  Just read Kanye West’s lyrics to the song “Gold digger” and you will see what I mean.


She take my money, well I’m in need
Yeah she’s a triflin’ friend indeed
Oh she’s a gold digger way over time
That digs on me

(She give me money)
Now I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger (When I’m in need)
But she ain’t messin’ wit no broke, broke (She steal me money)


Now in contrast read the lyrics to EAZY-E’s “Players Club:


A lot of fools put salt in the game

Till these women get the notion that

They runnin’ the game huh

I run my own and I’m my own self person


EAZY-E’s talking about male empowerment, that kind of kick ass attitude that says, “I’ll show her who is the boss”, while Kanye’s female gold digger is a malevolent, mean and conniving (“she steal me money”).


Now I’m not trying to pass judgment on whether a being a playa is a good or bad thing.  You’ve probably had experience with one, so I’ll let you make your own decision on that.  However I am saying, let’s have some equity here. 


If we look at males who are players as empowered and having mucho machismo, then we need to start looking at women who fit that category the same way.  You may not like what they do and how they act, but you have to say one thing about them; these women are simply following some of the male rules of engagement when it comes to getting what they want.  Female playas believe they should get what they want, when they want it and from whom they want (just like the men).  And com’on people stop the name calling (or if you insist on placing derogatory labels on the females apply the same to both male and female players). “Cause they are not doing anything different.


To all those playa’s out there running the game and getting the goods, I say, “Playa, Play On”. 

You are what you are!

Aug 27

Bad Boys, Bad Boys What are Women to Do?

I was recently sitting in a male co-workers office and somehow we started talking about why many women tend to be drawn to being with the proverbial “bad boys.”

Having been one of those women (a lover of all things bad boy), I feel I can certainly provide some “expert” insight into the phenomena most really “nice” guys will never be able to understand.   Nice guys think in terms of the reason we love bad boys as being, “nice guys always finish last.”  Well nice guys let me give you some “behind the scenes” stuff that you will never get from anyone else.


Even though we women like to be thought of as steady, understanding, stand by our men, nurturer types the one thing we fear most is being bored or being with a man who is boring.  We fear that more than we fear wrinkles or gray hair.   Being with a boring man, is like being required to eat ice cream everyday for the next year.  Even though we’d like to have ice cream we sure as hell don’t want it every day for the next 12 months.  The analogy being, even though we might like men and want to be with one, we don’t want to think that we have to accept a boring one just because he happens to be the one that presents himself to us at the time.


So in our minds the opposite of being with someone who is boring is to be with someone who is out and out crazy.  Usually the bad boys life profile reads something like this, drug addict or alcoholic (either active or reformed), unemployed, no money (or very little), probably dating you and at least 2 other women and getting money from all of you, has a car that he can’t park at his place of residence because then finance company is looking to repossess it and probably living at home with his Mom.


But oh can he be charming.  You can certainly understand why; he’s had a crap load of experience at it.  When you look around at some of the accomplished women with really awful bad boys, you have to believe that one thing the guy has going for himself is charm.


Now some of you may say, “well he’s probably good in bed.”  Sorry to remove this as one of the attractions because most of the time it isn’t true.  This guy is so into himself he has no time to worry about you being satisfied.  He should have a tattoo on his arm that says, ‘Hit it and Qui It” because that’s what having sex with him is like.  Cuddling, he hasn’t ever heard the word.  And most of the time if he’s at your place (which of course he would have to be since he lives with Mom), he’s gone as soon as coitus is completed.  No fear that his side of the bed will need to be smoothed out in the morning.   If you want to see this dynamic in action, watch the reality show Jersey Shore and you’ll understand where I’m going with this.


But the one thing I can say about the bad boys I have dated, they sure as hell weren’t boring.  How could I be bored when most of the time I was trying to figure out where they were, who they were with and when they were coming home.  There is nothing like getting up in the middle of the night when your bad boy is out with the “fella’s?? and driving over to his house waiting outside to see when he comes home and who he comes home with.  That will keep the adrenalin pumping  for sure.  Can’t be bored when all your senses are on high alert, right girls?


And sometimes he’ll disappear for days at a time.  Won’t answer the phone, won’t return your texts.  This is his way of making sure he keeps you in line.  In his case, he believes “absence does make the heart grow fonder.”  And you know, it usually works on us like a charm.


Hey ladies, after all this “what’s not to like”, huh?


So here’s my solution.  You never change a bad boy to a good boy, no matter what anyone tells you.  They are what they are, and if you’re with one and you don’t want to be, all you can do is pack up your stuff in the middle of the night, get in your car and move as far away from him as possible.  Oh and remember, no forwarding address.


However, ladies it is possible to “mold ” a boring guy into  an edgy guy.  It take s little work and you have to go slowly but it is possible.  However make sure you don’t over mold him so he becomes the new negative bad boy in your life.


I’ve learned that the “molding  process” gets me what I want so I end up with someone who satisfies that wild side of me.  Think about it, being with a bad boy is a lot of work and we get very little return.  So go out tonight and find the most boring guy wherever you are and envision the possibilities because there are so many!  If you’re going to have to work (as you would in a relationship with a bad boy), might as well work on a man you can actually change into the best kind of bad boy.  And that would be the bad boy you and you alone created.




Aug 19

El Duende = Passion

The word El Duende is most often thought of in terms of art or artistic expression.  It is a Spanish word that is most often associated with flamenco dancing.  To define it in simple terms it is the passion that one experiences from having deep feelings about something.  When referred to in literature it is a “power” not a work of art.  This is the mysterious power that anyone can feel, but not even a philosopher can explain.


El Duende actually comes from inside as a physical/emotional response to something.  It is what gives you chills or makes you smile or even cry when feeling strong passion about something or someone. 


So the question I pose is what happens to El Duende as romantic relationships evolve?  Sure it may happen when we first start seeing someone (that feeling of having chills when we see them or smiling when we think of them), but the question is, why does it “peter out” when we’ve been in a relationship with someone for a period of time? 


Is what we feel when we first meet that special person actually melancholy; and that is why we want to banish the feeling after a period of time?  Is this melancholy for what may go wrong in the relationship?  It has been said that all love songs are actually hate songs, because love songs are never truly about happiness.  Love songs have to acknowledge the chance that pain may come.  To illustrate this point these are some lyrics from the song Embraceable You:


I went about reciting,
“Here’s one who’ll never fall!”
But I’m afraid the writing
Is on the wall.
My nose I used to turn up
When you’d besiege my heart;
Now I completely burn up
When you’re slow to start.
I’m afraid you’ll have to take the consequences;
You upset the apple cart.


In the lyrics, “but I’m afraid the writing is on the wall, my nose I used to turn up when you besiege my heart now I completely burn up when you’re slow to start”, the lyricist is acknowledging that there could be pain and unhappiness ahead if their lover does not return the ardor they are feeling.


It may be it is just too hard for humans to live with feelings that loss may come from loving another.  So we banish el duende from our hearts and minds.  But if we do that, what do we lose?  If we cannot embrace it (el duende) and explore the darker regions of the heart or acknowledge that loss may come from experiencing deep passion, we will never truly enjoy the passionate feelings that come from having el duende in our lives.  We will constantly run from love and romance because in the deepest part of our being we really believe that deep love = pain.  When in fact true, deep love = el duende






Aug 08

“Jazz Is Like Sex” – A Tribute to the Newport Jazz Festival

Since 1954 the Newport Jazz Festival has been teaching the world about great music.  This weekend it continues its’ quest to bring the best jazz to the masses who come from all over the world to hear “the best”.  When I think about it, there aren’t many cultural icons that survive for 57 years.  If you’ve ever been to Newport on this magical weekend then you know what it means to feel the sensuality of “jazz on a summer’s afternoon”.


And when I think about jazz it makes me think of sex.  There is something about the way the instruments interact when they are really “cookin” that makes me think of two bodies in the rapture of sex.  The way the instruments overlay each other, moving in and out of the melody and weaving around each other to find that perfect moment; that moment when some of the musicians fall back giving one musician the opportunity to reach his or her musical climax.   The way the Bass and the Percussion hold the rhythm so all of the musical lovers can feel the beat.


And the vocalist as he or she follows their lovers (the musicians) to bring new moves to some old standard.  The vocalist caresses the Mic like it was a lover’s body.  Sometimes running their hands up and down the stand on which the Mic sits.   They close their eyes and open their mouth to release their lover’s call.  And their lovers respond back giving them everything they need to reach the place they want to go.


As you see the French don’t call it “Le Hot Jazz” for no reason.  It gets down in your lower extremities and makes you want to grab the next person you see and…well you see where this is going.  And jazz outside with the hot sun beating down on your body brings a whole different level of sensual thoughts.  It’s a lubricant that can’t be purchased at CVS.


Musical genres may come and go but jazz is here to stay, just like sex.   As long as we have the will to have sex, jazz will be that thing that makes it so much more enjoyable.  And as long as there is a Newport Jazz Festival giving us music on a hot summer’s afternoon we will the opportunity to not only hear the best music but perhaps if we are lucky to have sex that is really cookin!



Aug 04

When It Comes To Dating, Maybe Mother Does Know Best!

One of the reasons we have so much trouble finding the right person to develop a romantic relationship with is we are just too damn busy.  If you’re still gainfully employed you know we spend more time at work interacting with our co-workers than we do with any other group of people in our lives.  And if you happen to work with people you are not at all attracted too (as most of us do) or you believe that old saying, “you shouldn’t sh*t where you eat”, this kind of limits your prospects for finding love at work.  And when we are not working at the office where are we?  Well we’re working electronically via our Blackberry, IPhone, I Pad or some other pesky electronic ball and chain that somehow never seem to let up its constant need for attention.  So exactly where is the “free” time we can devote to pursuing a romantic relationship, I ask?


Well leave it to the Chinese; they may have come up with a novel solution to this problem!


In China the ‘up and comers’ have been way too busy making money to concentrate on finding love and romance.  So they’ve decided to enlist the help of the one person in the world who may know them the best  – Mama!  China has been holding college graduate mixers in their major cities for some time.  Often there are more than 6,000 people (mostly women) who attend these.   Even with that number of participants at these mixers many of these up and comers just can’t find the time to even attend one.  So Mama steps in and does the pre-screening so as not to waste anyone’s time and more importantly she is getting involved so her darling son or daughter gets the best possible match.


Chinese mothers come to these events equipped with their child’s CV and a list of questions so they can very easily rattle off the child’s statistics to each potential mate as well as ask the candidate questions that are feel are really important.  Mom becomes the surrogate speed dater for their son or daughter. 


As the Dating Maven, I find this idea fascinating.  After all who knows you better than dear ole Mom?  By the time you get your 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s she’s probably seen most of “types” you’ve chosen to be with; and believe me she’s made mental notes each time one of those perspective relationships goes south.   By the time she gets to the speed-dating mixer she has a pretty good idea of the type of person you should be with. 


So let’s play out the scenario!  There’s a speed-dating event and instead of going yourself, you send your Mom.  Mom sits down and the first perspective candidate sits across from her.  She has a set of questions like:






  1. How much money do you make (now coming from you the perspective love interest –this question might seem a bit crass, but coming from woman of a certain age and a Mom at that, it seems like a perfectly logical question)?



  1. Do you want children and how many and what sex?  Remember almost every Mother wants at some time in her life to be a grandmother, nana or noni!



  1. How do you plan on splitting up the holidays between your parents and our family (might as well get this one out in the open because you know its going to cause problems if not considered right away)?


Well you get the idea I think.  And Mom, because she is proud of you and loves you, can certainly attest to all of your great attributes so she always plants your best foot forward!


I think the idea is brilliant!  Like I said, leave it to the Chinese to find a more efficient way to find love. 


And in our scenario, once a match has been made, pertinent information is exchanged.  Mom steps aside and let’s Cupid make his magic.


Think about this.  If you look back on some of the dates or relationships you’ve had in your lifetime could Mom have done any worse?  Hey you’ve tried everything else, now give the person who knows you best their “due” and let Mom guide you to true love (or at least minimize the number of unfortunate options that come your way)!  Listen to then Dating Maven; after all I’m a Mom too!






Jun 17

Bring Back The Scarlet Letter




I say, bring back the Scarlet Letter!  For those of you unfamiliar with the story of the Scarlet Letter here’s a brief synopsis.  In 1850 Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote what he considered a romantic work of fiction called The Scarlet Letter.  It tells the story of a woman who after having committed adultery has her transgression revealed and is forced by her community to wear a scarlet “rag of cloth” assuming the shape of the letter “A” (adultery).  She is forced to wear it so everyone knows what her transgression is and therefore avoid any contact with her.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if before dating someone you could know what type of transgressions they had committed?  If we knew, perhaps the decisions we make about who we let into our lives (and sometimes our hearts) would be better than some of the ones we make today.  And just think about it; if people going into a relationship knew they would have to reveal their scarlet letter to the world, perhaps they would be more circumspect about how they conducted themselves in various types of inter-personal relationships.  And at least we (their possible relationship partner) would know what kind of issues or problems we may be up against if we chose to pursue a relationship with the person. 

We could develop a dating lettering system (and if you wanted to use it for something other than dating, you certainly could) to cover some of the more egregious relationship transgressions that occur.  For instance:

C – Cheater (you know the ones you see on dating sites that say, “married but looking”)

O – Online Tweeter Cheater (think Congressman Weiner)

D – Douche – (“The Dream” and if you don’t know him, think Tiki Barber)

G – Gold digger – (hard to come up with one, but the title is kinda self explanatory so I’ll let you fill in the blank here)

P – for Pervert (anyone that sends you naked or sexual graphic pictures when they are not solicited by you)

M – Miser – someone who is so cheap they can’t imagine spending any money on anyone

U – User – the person who is looking to get something other than a relationship out of being with you – think you spending all your money and them enjoying every moment of it

N – Narcissist  – a combination of all of the above

So let’s use this scenario, you’re emailing back and forth with someone from an online dating site.  He or she seems to be great (just the kind of person you’ve been looking for).  You talk on the phone and agree to meet.  So what do you really know about this person before you meet them?  To give you an idea, here is what one online dating site has available as details for one guy who recently wrote to me.

His Details

Last Online




5′ 8″ (1.73m).

Body Type


Mostly anything










Graduated from college/university


Rather Not Say



Has children





 Kind of sparse, huh?

Of course there is the written statement or summary most online dating sites have (which if completed at all, may or may not be a bunch of BS).  

So let’s say, I decide to meet this person.  He walks in and there on his shirt is a big scarlet “C”.  Now I know all I need to know.  No other explanations or conversations required (unless of course I’m a person who enjoys being with a cheater and then I deserve what I get).

See how it works?  Wham, bam, thank you Ma’am! I’m on my way.

I think it’s a great idea. We could all save so much time and energy if we had a sort of “cheat sheet” outlining really bad behavior.  And although this lettering system isn’t a cheat sheet, it’s sure better than what most of us are working with today (which really isn’t much).

Often you can’t believe or trust what you see, hear, perceive and even what is listed on online dating sites therefore making it imperative we find a more efficient way of avoiding all the “Cheaters, Online Cheaters, Douche Bags, Gold Diggers, Perverts, Misers, Users and Narcissists” ‘cause remember all the information you need would be right out there for you and everyone else to see.

So my faithful blog followers, let’s be the trendsetters and push this old but efficient and effective idea forward.  Say it with me, “BRING BACK THE SCARLET LETTER!

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